


Never Trust Xerxes Break

by Rekall



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rekall/pseuds/Rekall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thanks to Break, Gilbert learns some startling information about the dangers of smoking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Trust Xerxes Break

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ceitean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceitean/gifts).



"I'm bored," Xerxes Break declared as he lounged on a sofa and popped a candy into his mouth. It was strawberry flavoured and the sweetness tasted good but it was little entertainment.

"I'm bored too," Sharon Rainsworth agreed. There was little Pandora work to be done at the moment, no missions to go on and things were pretty quiet, which left the two friends with not much too do. "Why does it have to be a down period?"

"We need entertainment; a toy," Break mused, wondering who would be a good victim. "Such a shame that Gilbert is off dealing with family matters. He's always such a perfect target."

"Ah, that reminds me; he was suppose to return today," Sharon said, noticing the expression that came across the face of her companion; Break's eye lit up with amusement; Gilbert was always a good source of amusement. The best actually, since he'd believe anything he was told, it often led to many enjoyable hours. "He sent a message the other day; something about wanting to get away from the Nightrays, so he was returning sooner than expected."

"You'll have to excuse me," Break formally said as he stood up and gave Sharon a little bow. He tried hard to hide his grin but it was impossible. Not that he would be able to hide his true motive from Sharon anyway; they knew each other far too well to be tricked by such simple gestures. "I just remembered something that I had to do."

"You get to have all the fun," Sharon replied with a small sigh.

"Not to worry," he said, reassuring her. "I have a plan."

* * *

Clutching the paper pages, Gilbert Nightray quickly read the neat scrawl with a smile on his face. It was from Ada and he was glad that she was doing well at her school. It had been so long since he had seen her but a proper education was important and she went to the best school around for which he was glad.

"Is that from Ada Vessalius?" a voice questioned and Gilbert's happy mood quickly vanished as he recognized that voice. Gilbert didn't dislike Xerxes Break but the other man had a tendency to be annoying at times. Like the time he told a lie and conned Gilbert into start smoking, poor Gilbert had only been eighteen and naive at the time and now he was addicted to cigarettes despite having tried to quit many times.

"Yes," Gilbert stiffly replied as he folded the letter and placed it in a pocket. He would finish reading it later when there were no distractions around.

"I hope she wrote to her uncle as well, he's been looking forward to hearing from her."

"I'm sure she did," Gilbert replied, wondering what Break was getting at. He was being suspiciously well behaved for the time being, which   
usually meant that trouble was ahead.

"It's just that she's all he really has," Break mournfully said with a sad shake of his head. "She's his only family right now. I suppose you know the reason why he never married or had kids, don't you?"

"Not... really..."

"You mean you haven't heard?" Break asked in surprised. "About that new report that just came out about smoking?"

"What report about smoking?" Gilbert asked, not liking where the conversation was going. He smoked probably more than anyone, a result of his addiction to cigarettes, so if something was wrong than it concerned him very much.

"It kills your sex drive," Break whispered to him so that they wouldn't be overheard. He then clapped Gilbert on the back and spoke in a normal voice, completely ignoring the shock expression on Gilbert's face. "I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about though! After-all, you're still young and I'm sure you haven't been affected yet!"

"But-"

"Look at the time!" Break cried as he grabbed Gilbert's wrist and began dragging him along. "We'll be late if we don't hurry!"

* * *

Sharon bit her lip in an attempt to hold back her laughter. It was a warm sunny day and she along with Break and Gilbert were currently enjoying themselves as they sat around a table, drinking tea and enjoying the nice weather. Well, Sharon and Break were enjoying themselves, Gilbert on the other hand looked extremely uncomfortable, he was in shock and looked like he was about to fall apart if the wrong words were said.

"Candy?" Break offered him and Sharon could tell by his voice that he too was trying not to laugh but was not as successful as she. Quickly Sharon kicked him under the table so that he'd smarten up; laughter would spoil their fun since Gilbert would simply get mad, storm off and sulk somewhere.

"I can't believe it," Gilbert said in disbelief as he held his head between his hands. His mind was racing. He wanted to say that it was all a prank but surely even Break wouldn't joke about something so serious. "Does smoking really... ?"

"Yeah, you'll be shooting blanks if you can even get it up at all."

"You shouldn't talk like that with a lady present!" Gilbert cried momentarily forgetting about his problem.

"I don't mind," Sharon replied as she casually sipped her tea. There was no way she was going to leave; the conversation was far too amusing, even if Gilbert currently looked like he wanted to crawl under the table to hide. "Besides you're going to need my advice on how to please a woman if you can't take care of her in bed."

"How can ever have a relationship now?" Gilbert asked falling back into his role of self-pity. It wasn't suppose to be like that, he wanted a family to be able to provide a happy life for someone, a life that he never had. "I'm doomed to being alone forever!"

"You can always find a male partner," Break helpfully advised and Sharon almost choked as she tried to stop from laughing. "If you're on the bottom, your partner probably won't mind. You just kind of have to lay there while he does all the work."

"Male... ? Bottom... ?" Gilbert really couldn't believe what he was hearing. It seemed like the wrong time and place to have such a conversation, especially since Sharon was present.

"I can offer you this sexy body if you want," Break said as he leaned across the table with a sly grin on his face. "For a test run only, I can't be tied down."

"No," came the deadpan reply. Gilbert wasn't interested in a thing that Break was offering.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely."

"I'm told that I'm very good. I've certainly never received any complaints over the years." Break paused as he thought it over. "It has been a while though so don't judge me right away."

"I want to die," Gilbert groaned as he placed his head against the table. Break was talking crazy, which really wasn't that unusual, but not something that Gilbert wanted to deal with right then.

"You really shouldn't worry about it too much," said Sharon as she passed him a small piece of cake in an attempt to cheer him up. "I'm sure that any partner you have will be very understanding that you'll be unable to perform any bedroom duties."

"Maybe it's for the best," Gilbert admitted with a small sigh. There wasn't much that he could do if it was true. The damage was done and there was probably no way to reverse it. "This really isn't the best environment for a relationship or to be raising kids."

It was true. Any little Gilbert would have to be sent off to boarding school like Ada. Dangerous times were ahead and any child could easily find him or herself without parents. Gilbert knew what that was like. He had been lucky in that he had been found and taken in by the Vessalius household, but someone else wouldn't necessary have that good fortune.

"Acceptance is always a good thing," Break agreed while nodding his head.

"Besides you're only twenty-two, maybe it hasn't affected you yet," Sharon helpfully said to him. "Maybe there's still time if you quit."

"Really?!" Gilbert said, his hopes high again. Despite his acceptance, he would like it if his options were kept open. The danger couldn't   
last forever.

Eagerly; Gilbert pulled out a pack of cigarettes, stood up from the table and walked over to a nearby fountain that was full of water. Crumpling the pack, he threw it into the water and watched with glee as the water destroyed the package. "From today on, no more smoking!"

* * *

"I'm bored," said Break.

"Me too," agreed Sharon, recognizing that the situation was oddly familiar. It had been a week since their fun with Gilbert and while it had been amusing watching him try to stop his addiction to smoking, especially with the tactics that Break had given to stop the cravings, but they had quickly become bored again.

"I wonder if Liam is around."

Before Sharon could reply they could hear feet stomping from the other side of the door of the room they were in. A moment later, the door swung open to reveal an angry Gilbert with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"YOU SUCK!" he yelled before slamming the door and both Break and Sharon could hear as he stormed off.

"I guess he found out," Sharon said, slightly surprised at what just happened. Break meanwhile broke out in a fit of laughter.


End file.
